


I Know You, Who Are You Now?

by I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own



Series: Malec One Shots [11]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Discussion of Past Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-15 21:50:52
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,470
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18507775
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own/pseuds/I_have_a_Mycroft_of_my_very_own
Summary: In which the break up takes a slightly different turn. OR in which Ragnor decides he has to fix things or he'll never get any rest.





	I Know You, Who Are You Now?

**Author's Note:**

> The muse appears to have gone back to work fulltime, rather than the very, very part time they were here before... (it's because my heart is broken) 
> 
> Ragnor, Cat, and Magnus are totally siblings. They adopted each other, you can't convince me otherwise.

_I know you, who are you now?_  
_Look into my eyes if you can't remember._  
_Do you remember, oh?_  
_I can see, I can still find_  
_You're the only voice my heart can recognize_  
_But I can't hear you now._  
_I'll never be the same._  
~Never Be the Same, Red

* * *

_"I didn’t know the spark inside you, the one I fell in love with, was out for good.”_

“You said you didn’t fall in love with me because of my magic.” Magnus states, startling Alec into silence.

“What?”

“You said you didn’t fall in love with me because of my magic. But you did, didn’t you? Because, I’m still figuring out who I am without my magic, but apparently, you’ve decided you don’t care enough to wait, because I’m not who I was before, because the spark has gone out. Because I’m not as bright and bubbly and _magical._ ” The word breaks on his lips, but he forces himself to go on. “So, why don’t you just stop lying to my face and tell me that you’re done with me, because I don’t have magic anymore? That you’re done because I’m just a burden now. That you’re done, because at least before you could tell all your Shadowhunter friends that you were dating a powerful warlock who was more than willing to come running at your beck and call. That you’re done with me, because I’m just a normal human. Why don’t you just tell me the goddamn truth, Alexander?”

“That’s not why I’m doing this.” Alec argues, shaking his head, looks so stricken it almost takes Magnus’ breath away, but his resolve is strong.

“Stop lying to me, Alec!” he yells, turning away from him to breathe in deeply and try to reign in the temper he feels, that in times past would have caused the glass in the windows to shower down upon them in thousands of dangerous little shards.

“I don’t know who you are anymore.”

“I don’t know either! I lost my _magic!”_ Magnus exclaims, turning to look at Alec with such a desolate look on his face. “It’s been three months since I met you and, in that time, I’ve lost my title, my home, my magic, my job _for you_. Why do you think I should somehow just be bouncing back from that?” Magnus questions, shaking his head in disbelief. “Relationships take hard work, that’s what you said, and now you just want to… what? Throw it all away?”

“It’s not like that.” Alec answers, desperately. “Magnus-“

“What is it like, Alexander? Tell me, because I don’t understand!” Magnus begs, stepping forward, close to Alec but not daring to cross into his personal space. “You’re the only thing I have, do you get that? This relationship is the only thing I have left in this world and you want to take it away?”

“I don’t…”

“Eight hundred years I’ve lived and I’ve nothing to show for it.” Magnus says, breathing in sharply and staring horror-struck at the floor as he realizes the truth of his words. “Eight hundred years and its all gone, worthless. Pointless. None of it mattered. Ever. It was all just... nothing.” he mumbles, feeling suddenly light headed. "Nothing."

“Magnus.” He looks up at the voice, his breath hitching when Ragnor’s spectre appears directly in front of him, between him and Alec. Magnus stares at him with such a broken and lost look on his face.

“Ragnor, I should have never listened to Camille.” He informs his old friend, his voice breaking terribly over the words. “It wasn’t worth it, Ragnor.”

“Dearest, I need you to call Catarina or Dorothea.” Ragnor states, stepping forward into Magnus’ space but unable to touch him.

“Everything is gone, Ragnor. All of it, for a mortal who couldn’t care less.” Magnus whispers, tears spilling from his eyes, as he begins to sob softly. _“It’s all gone.”_

“I know, darling. I know.” Ragnor says, before sighing softly and rolling his eyes. “None of you ever give me the time I need, but alright.” Ragnor states quietly, before the next thing Magnus knows, his old friend is suddenly holding him, his warm, strong arms wrapping around him.

“You’re dead.” Magnus whimpers, shaking his head, but giving into the embrace all the same. “You died.”

“I took precautions, I’ll explain them to you later.” Ragnor assures, one arm wrapped tightly around Magnus, his free hand resting gently against the back of Magnus’ head, cradling him against his chest. Ragnor glances to Alec, who is watching them with a heartbroken look on his face. “I think you’ve done enough here, Shadowhunter. Perhaps it’s better if you go, you can continue this discussion at another time.”

“He doesn’t love me, Ragnor. He just loves my magic and it's _gone_.” Magnus says into Ragnor's chest, great, hiccupping sobs interspersed between his words.

“I believe it’s not quite that simple, darling. Why don’t we let him go? The two of you can take sometime to think through things and when you’re feeling up to it, you can try and talk this through, alright?” Ragnor suggests, glaring at Alec when the Shadowhunter looks like he is going to protest.

“Okay.” Magnus mumbles, sniffing and rubbing his face against Ragnor’s chest.

“I-I don’t…” Alec starts, trailing off into silence, Ragnor frowns at him, pulls his hand away from Magnus’ head to create a portal and all but throws it at the Shadowhunter. Then he sighs and creates another portal that swiftly deposits him and Magnus back in his own home.

“Come along, cherub. You can tell me all your woes.” Ragnor soothes, guiding Magnus to his room. They fall upon the big bed and Magnus all but curls into Ragnor’s side, his whole-body trembling. It doesn’t take all too long before Magnus opens his mouth and the story of the last three months tumbles out in a jumbled, sobbing mess.

* * *

Alec walks in a daze, the portal had thrown him out a long way from the Institute, but it just gives him time to breathe, to try and put his chaotic thoughts into some sort of order. He’d known he’d be breaking Magnus’ heart, had been on board with it since he thought it was the right thing, thought giving Magnus’ his magic back would make Magnus happy, but he didn’t fully understand the situation, now he does, he can’t think straight. He can barely breathe around the lump that’s formed in his throat, around the pain that shoots through his heart with every beat. He’s never seen Magnus so distraught before, not even when Magnus had broken down all over him last night.

He can’t do this.

* * *

Magnus falls asleep, wrapped as tightly around Ragnor as he can be, having cried himself out. Ragnor doesn’t complain, simply holds him close and considers his options carefully, the way he always has. Every little thing considered and discarded or moved aside for further planning. Careful consideration given to all opportunities.

“Perhaps we should institute a new rule... or rather, an amendment.” Ragnor whispers conspiratorially to Magnus, who he knows will not respond. “No dating anyone under the age of 18, and under no circumstances are we to date Shadowhunters. Yes, I’ll have to speak with Catarina about this…” Ragnor decides, nodding to himself. “It’s really the best way.”

* * *

Magnus wakes up with that weird feeling you have after a night spent crying your eyes out, he groans and snuggles against his pillow, which huffs at him in annoyance and that’s what gets him to open his eyes, his brain going totally blank at the sight of his so-called pillow.

“Ragnor?” he exclaims, scrambling to sit up. “You really… I didn’t dream that?”

“No, broccoli, I’m very much here.” Ragnor replies with a smirk, shamelessly restarting their Food Feud with no regrets, especially since Magnus had callously thrown out ‘cabbage’ as he lay dying in his arms, honestly, no respect. “I can’t quite be killed within the confines of this house.” Ragnor explains with a self-satisfied grin. “Though, I’m supposed to spend a full year resting and regaining my strength, I’ve been astral projecting all over the place.”

“Keeping an eye on us?” Magnus asks, oddly touched by the thought. “That’s sweet.”

“Yes, well you know how you and Catarina get when I leave you to your own devices. Thank goodness she has Madzie now, perhaps I won’t have to nag her into taking holidays so often.” Ragnor points out, relieved. “You, on the other hand… well, you’ve always been a handful.”

“And you’re not?” Magnus asks, raising an eyebrow, Ragnor simply shrugs.

“Now, do you truly love your Shadowhunter?” he asks, getting down to business.

“Yeah.” Magnus replies, reluctantly. “Yeah, I really love him, stupidly, truly, do.”

“So, if he figured himself out and instead of breaking up with you, he proposed to you, would you say yes?”

“Yes.” Magnus answers again, nodding his head. “I’ve never wanted to belong to anyone the way I want to be his, Ragnor.”

“Right. I’m going to go and see your Shadowhunter, you’re going to stay here and figure out what you want to say to him, alright?” Ragnor asks, Magnus looks like he’s about to protest before he wilts and nods his head.

“Alright.” He agrees, tries not to look too put out when Ragnor goes off to get ready, and eventually leaves him behind.

* * *

“Perhaps you should tell me why you’re trying to break my little brother’s heart.” Ragnor states, as Alec finally sits down on the bench beside him, he’s been waiting for the Shadowhunter for half an hour now, knows the Shadowhunter spent the time pacing back and forward in the shadow of the Institute before finally making up his mind.

“To save his life.” Alec answers, causing Ragnor to stare at him incredulous.

“You very nearly ended his life last night.” He replies, shaking his head. “Who put such a fallacy in your head?”

“What?” Alec exclaims, shaking his head. “No, I-“

“What does the Blackfriars Bridge mean to you?” Ragnor questions, looking intently into Alec’s eyes, watches the confusion that only continues to grow.

“It’s a bridge over the Themes, right?” Alec answers with a shrug of his shoulders.

“Magnus not telling you, I can understand. But _Camille_ not telling you? The girl can't help herself.” Ragnor mutters, more to himself than actually to Alec.

“Camille’s at the Gard, Magnus turned her in.”  

“Ah, that does actually explain things.” Ragnor admits, nodding his head. “Right, well then, little Shadowhunter. Do you love Magnus?”

“Of course, what kind of question is that?”

“You tried to break up with him last night.” Ragnor points out, Alec looks about to protest that before he sucks in a breath and looks away.

“Yeah.”

“Why?” Ragnor asks again, narrowing his eyes. “Why break up with him, if you love him?”

“I told you, I thought I was-“

“Saving his life.” Ragnor speaks over him, rolling his eyes. “Right, did you know that staying in a good headspace is important to people who have been suicidal before? During their recovery, but especially after? Because it’s so easy to fall back into a dark place?”

“Yeah?” Alec answers, frowning at Ragnor. “What has this got to do with anything?”

“Camille Belcourt endeared herself to my little brother by stopping him when he tried to throw himself off the Blackfriars Bridge.” Ragnor explains casually, as if he’s not imparting life altering knowledge.

“W-what?”

“Your little stunt last night could have been quite deadly. I’m not saying don’t break up with Magnus if that’s what you want, if that’s truly what you think is best. But don’t tear his heart of his chest and act like you’re doing him a favour!” Ragnor growls, crossing his arms over his chest and glaring off into the park. “Don’t you _dare_ throw his current circumstances back in his face like he’s somehow at fault for giving up his magic to save _your parabatai.”_

“Is Magnus alright?” Alec asks, turning to him, a primal, desperate look on his face. “Is he okay?”

“Magnus is fine, no thanks to you. I’m not letting you near him until you tell me why you thought it was a good idea to tear his heart out. For that matter, you can stay away from Catarina and Madzie, too, until I’m certain you’re not just like all the other Shadowhunters. Willing to interact with Downworlders so long as they’re a benefit to you, but the moment their usefulness has passed, they get tossed aside.” Ragnor explains, his eyes narrowed and his hands clenched into fists. “Tell me why.”

“Asmodeus.” Alec answers, after a long silence, where thoughts and emotions have flittered across his face, so easy to catch for one who is looking. “I did a deal to get Magnus’ magic back, but in return, I had to break up with him. He’s never allowed to know or the deal is off.”

“Foolish.” Ragnor murmurs, before he’s consciously aware of it, doesn’t mean he disagrees. “Utterly foolish for multiple reasons. Magnus would not thank you for this.”

“I know, I didn’t want him to, I wanted him to be happy.” Alec admits, resting his head in his hands. “I just wanted him to stop _pretending_ like everything was okay and to _actually be_ okay.”

“Well, you went about that very poorly. There are other ways to fix his magic, so I’m going to bring him here, you’re going to tell him exactly why you pulled that fool stunt last night, you’re going to figure out how you can convince Magnus you’re sorry and that you love him more than anything.” Ragnor says, talking louder and holding his hand up when Alec starts to speak. “Then, once the two of you have mended fences, I will be finding Asmodeus, since you’ve given him a doorway to this realm and I can’t see him choosing not to use it. I will be negotiating a new deal with him that doesn't result in immediate and easily foreseen problems.”

“He’s here?”

“Of course. Any way you could have called him here to chat would have given him a doorway to pass through, to free him from Edom.” Ragnor explains, shrugging. “Think on your sins, Alexander Lightwood, while you wait.” Ragnor states, before portalling back to his home, finds Magnus sitting on the balcony, frowning up at the grey clouds above him.

“Looks like rain.”

“It’s England, darling.” Ragnor replies, amused. “Now, come along, we have to speak with your idiot lover.”

“I’m not exactly dressed for verbal warfare, Ragnor.” Magnus points out, looking down and pulling at the sleep clothes Ragnor had magicked him into the night before.

“Ah, of course.” Ragnor exclaims, changing Magnus’ outfit with the barest use of magic. “There. Now come on.”

“I haven’t worn this in decades, Ragnor.” Magnus complains, picking at his shirt, Ragnor simply ignores him and portals them away, back to the bench in the park.

“Now, you two idiots need to talk.” Ragnor announces, pleased to see Alec still sitting where he left him. “If you try and continue that bullshit from last night, you’ll find out why I was High Warlock of London.” Ragnor threatens Alec through clenched teeth, before turning to smile at Magnus, his face softening. “And you, give the boy a chance to explain before you try to bite his head off, will you?”

“Of course.” Magnus answers, smiling sweetly and sitting down on the bench, waving Ragnor away. Ragnor huffs and goes to sit in the grass across from them, far enough away that he can’t hear them, but close enough that he can still monitor. “So?” Magnus asks, turning on the bench to give Alec his full attention.

“I’m sorry.” Alec blurts out, reaching forward to grab Magnus’ hands in his own, squeezing them tightly. “I made a deal with your father to get your magic back.” Alec explains, looking down at their joint hands, refusing to look Magnus in the eye. “He wanted me to end our relationship in return. He said I’d be the death of you, that I make you weak, that one day you’d grow to resent me when you were old and grey and covered in wrinkles. He said that immortals aren’t meant to grow old. He told me to break your heart to save your life, so I… well, I tried.”

“Alexander.” Magnus murmurs his name, before clenching his hands tight. “Look at me.” Slowly, agonizingly slowly, Alec looks up at him. “I love you. I’m not going to say thank you, because I’m not a masochist. You hurt me so badly, Alec, and you wouldn’t even tell me why. But I understand why you did it, why you thought what you were doing was right. I’m not going to say thank you, but I am going to forgive you, so long as you promise to never do something like that again.”

“Yeah, I promise. Definitely. Ragnor… he… uh, he told me about the Blackfriars Bridge.” Alec says, scrambling to grab Magnus when the former warlock wrenches his hands free and stands, turns to walk away, but Alec grips his wrists tightly, holding him in place. “I love you, more than anything. If I made you feel like you did then, I apologize from the bottom of my heart. You’re more precious to me than anything and I hate the thought that I could have caused you so much pain you thought you should have died all that time ago. That dying would have been better than living, than meeting me, loving me. I love you, but I don’t blame you if you regret loving me back.” Magnus sighs, looks way from Alec, tries to reign in the tears that threaten to fall as he breathes in deep and rubs his hand over his face, Alec awkwardly refusing to let go of his wrists.

“I don’t regret it. I love you, Alexander. I’m proud to love you. Yes, you hurt me. No, I’m not okay, but I’ll get there, if you’re by my side.” Magnus finally answers, sinking back down on the bench beside him.

“Always. I’ll always be by your side, someway, somehow, I’ll think of something.” Alec promises, hesitates, letting go with one hand to dig into his pocket for the ring case that he couldn't bring himself to lock away. Knows it’s probably, totally against all the laws of romance to do this now, but he doesn’t care.

He clears his throat, letting Magnus’ other wrist go so he can carefully open the case in his pocket and slip the ring into his palm, then he sinks down onto one knee, reaching out to take Magnus’ hand in his own again with his free hand. “Magnus. When I organized the dinner the other night, I had very specific plans. I was scheming, I confess, but it was for a good cause. Things took a turn when you showed up so incredibly drunk and so incredibly depressed. It threw me, shook me up enough and I fully admit that I don’t believe I’ve been thinking straight, since. But I’m thinking clearly now, so…” he pauses and takes a shaking breath in and lets it out slowly as he holds his arm out, opens his hand to reveal the ring sitting in the centre of his palm. “Will you marry me?”

“Darling.” Magnus exclaims, then he laughs. “The literal last time I saw you, you broke up with me, now you’re proposing marriage?”

“Lovely, we had our first kiss at my wedding… to someone else.” Alec points out, with a grin, Magnus chuckles before he sighs.

“Yes, alright, good point. I provisionally agree, given our wedding occurs _before_ our honeymoon, _and_ you don't make out with anyone but me at _our_ wedding.” He states, causing Alec to laugh.

“Done.”

“Then yes, I’ll be yours.” Magnus agrees, pulling Alec up and pressing a desperate kiss to his lips. “Let’s go tell Ragnor he can stop idiotsitting, because I don’t know if I’ve introduced you to make up sex yet.”

“I think we may have been acquainted… but I can’t quite remember.” Alec answers, laughing as he lets himself be dragged across the grass.

Somewhere, Asmodeus seethes with rage as his latest plan is thwarted by love, of all things.

* * *

 _You led me here,_  
_then I watched you disappear._  
_You left this emptiness inside,_  
_and I can't turn back time._  
_No! Stay!_  
_Nothing compares to you._  
_Nothing compares to you._  
_I can't let you go._

 _I'll never be the same,_  
_I'm caught inside the memories,_  
_the promises are yesterdays,_  
_and I belong to you._  
_I just can't walk away,_  
_'cause after loving you,_  
_I can never be the same._  
~Never Be the Same, Red


End file.
